I am NOT OP. Original post by u/wifehadanaffair in infidelity
trigger warnings: infidelity, racism, groping, miscarriages, potential rape, child neglect, abuse of power
mood spoiler: sad
CONTINUING FROM PART 1
The mind movies have begun and an update on my WW’s health - 16 June 2022
Hi, everyone. Thanks again for the insightful advice, support, and sharing your stories on my last post. It really meant a lot during this time. There’s been some developments since the last time I posted, so I thought I’d provide an update.
Last night was a particularly rough night for me. Out of nowhere, my mind started playing mind movies of my WW and AP… so that was hell in a new form. Watching TV couldn’t get my mind off of it… reading couldn’t get my mind off of it… anything I tried, really, didn’t work.
Last Monday was my first IC session. I was nervous about it; if I’m being honest, that nervousness hasn’t entirely left me, but I think the first session went ok, and I’m comfortable so far with the therapist’s style. For right now, I have two sessions per week; I’m still on a leave of absence from work, so I’m trying to make the most of it. My next session is tomorrow.
There’s been some progress with my WW following through on seeking IC for herself. Originally, she had told me that she was searching over the weekend, and that yesterday morning she had a general conversation with a therapist over the phone. That same day, she texted me the name and contact details of the one she was leaning toward.
I haven’t had much contact with my WW since we saw each other last Saturday. It’s been some texts back-and-forth. Admittedly, I have been concerned due to her not doing well and not eating. I know some might say that I shouldn’t care at this point in time, but I do care. I haven’t been doing so well myself since Dday, but I just can’t help but worry about her. Just the thought of her this way hurts me even more. I want her to be better again; I want to tell her that everything’s going to be ok again, but I can’t do any of that. I’ve had some conversations with my SIL, and from what she told me, there hadn’t been much improvement.
This morning, I received a FaceTime call from my WW. There wasn’t much difference from how she looked last Saturday; she tried to mask it with a little smile, but I wasn’t fooled by it. She used to have the most bright, infectious kind of smile; she would literally just smile for no apparent reason other than just to smile. We used to joke about it sometimes. Seeing her on the FaceTime call was no less heartbreaking. All I could think of was how different things were only just a few weeks ago, and now everything’s changed; everything’s broken. And I just sit and wonder how did we end up here, and the know the answer to that: the affair.
I’m just so sad and upset, and a part of me feels like someone should pay for what’s happened to my family and OBS’s family. Does that even make sense? Has anyone else felt this way before? I don’t know… maybe a lot of people are already paying for it. OBS, her kids, and myself. I think my WW is paying for it now too.
I asked her what was going on, and she told me something had happened which she was relieved about; she was going to just text it, but decided to try calling at the last second. Her period started today; so that news eliminated any potential pregnancy with AP concerns. I thanked her for letting me know. We were both quiet for a moment, and then I broke the silence. We started talking about a variety of things; her not really eating, her mental state, her employment status, and her going to IC.
She said that my concern shouldn’t be on her right now, but I made her promise to start eating regularly, and she agreed that she would try. I also mentioned that she should really start making movement on IC; and not just because she thinks it could save our relationship, but I needed her to do so for herself. Despite whatever becomes of our relationship… I do think IC will serve her well. She promised that she had been seriously looking into IC, and that everything she said before weren’t empty words.
I asked her if she was looking at anything in regards to new employment. She said she had been looking at a few job listings; and that my SIL had also sent her some listings that she spotted. The jobs my WW has been looking at are some in the field she was in, and also some costumer service jobs, but she hasn’t applied for anything yet. I asked if she was covered financially, and she said she still had some money saved that’d help with her being unemployed.
She asked how I was doing, and I simply said everything she could imagine, but ten times worst. I wasn’t trying to do some purposeful jab at her, but it was the truth; in fact, the truth was I was feeling worse than that. She said that every time I check in on her or provide some verbal support, even after what she’s done, that she feels even more guilty, but she feels like she deserves every ounce of those feelings. I didn’t really know what to say to that at the time. But before I could say anything; she reiterated her promise to seek IC.
She mentioned something that surprised me. She name dropped a book that I’ve seen a few people on here recommend to me: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. She hadn’t purchased it yet, but said she thought it would be good for her to read. Shortly after that, we ended the call. I sent a text to my SIL; asking her to keep an eye on her sister as much as she could during this time and to update me.
This afternoon, my WW texted me that she had made the appointment with the therapist she was telling me about; her first session is this Friday. So at least that process is officially beginning on that for her.
All in all, not much has changed for me. I absolutely dread the thought of another bout with the mind movies. Does anyone have any advice on combating those? I lost that fight last night. Would it even be a good idea for my WW to read the book now? Again, I would appreciate any advice or perspective anyone has to offer.
 
Update: It’s been almost a month since DDay - 25 June 2022
Hi, everyone. It’s been a whirlwind since my last post, to say the least. Thank you to everyone who reached out with kind words and to check up on me. I honestly wasn’t expecting the show of community I have received from this subreddit. It’s all very much appreciated.
So, it’s nearly a month since DDay for me. A lot has happened since then, and it still seems surreal in many ways. In one way it feels like DDay was a thousand years ago; like the days have felt like weeks, and the weeks have felt like months. But then, on the other hand, DDay seems like it happened only yesterday.
The daily hell of mind movies have been persisting. The mornings didn’t used to be so bad because I had a few moments before I realized my WW wasn’t with me and then reality comes crashing down on me. But I had a mind movie yesterday morning. I’ve talked with my therapist about them, but it hasn’t made the movies any less persistent or painful. These mind movies are like you’re forced to watch a movie you don’t want to see. You can’t pause it, turn it off, or walk away from it. It’s just on and you have no choice in the matter.
I go back to work this Monday. Honestly, I’m kind worried about reporting back. Even though I work remote, it still requires the same focus, and I worry how the mind movies could affect me. It’s a fear of mine; the possibility of one coming on during work. I don’t really know what to expect.
Saturday’s have been some of the worst nights. Before DDay, Saturday nights were at home movie nights for me and my WW. We’ve always been big film buffs. That’s what started that tradition. As Saturday’s come and go since DDay… it’s just an aching reminder.
Apparently some music and dancing are a trigger for me now. I tried cooking the other day to keep my mind occupied; cooking is a joy of mine. Well, music came on from the TV, and it triggered me. My WW and I used to cook dinner together and we’d usually have music playing; we’d slow dance to a song at times. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly all I could think of was my WW sharing a dance with AP in that hotel room. It all caught me off guard. It’s like it’s a tarnished memory, almost, and it hurts.
I think IC has been going well so far; more so than it did for the year I went when I was a teen. Back then, I bounced around between a couple of therapists, but I think I found the right fit for me at the start this time around. Sometimes he speaks less and just listens; other times he’s asking more questions. Something he has told me is that healing is not going to be linear. We’ve talked some about the affair and my relationship with my WW. He said that the affair wasn’t my fault, nor did I have any control over it. I was in the dark and it was out of my hands. But what I do have control over is deciding where do I go from here. Admittedly, I gave some pushback on that because I don’t feel in control of myself emotionally; I feel lost in the wind. But he told me that despite what’s going on around me, the next step in how I proceed from here is my sole decision. He described R as a gift only I could make and offer.
My WW has been going to IC herself now. She’s never been to therapy before, so after her first session, I was curious about how it went. I texted her about it, and she said it was new to her, but reiterated that she’s committed to the process. I know my WW has started reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. I’ve been reading some of the book as well, and honestly it has made me feel validated and covers a range of emotions that I’ve been grappling with. My SIL updated me on my WW; she’s been eating more regularly again, but it’s still a struggle. This NC to light contact for space thing, while still having a desire to talk with her and wanting to see how she’s doing, has been one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever dealt with.
Something I’ve been weighing is whether or not me and my WW should tell others about the affair. I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions about it. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons, but I’ve been leaning away from it. We only have a small circle around us, and I don’t really see the value of anyone else knowing outside of my mom and SIL. Those are the people involved with us the most. My dad has no involvement, nor has he ever shown support; he’ll just most likely give a speech on glass houses and all that mess. My MIL also isn’t much involved with us, although she’s been more of a presence than my dad.
The relationship between my WW and my mom has been weighing on me, too. Prior to DDay, they always had this firm mothedaughter relationship. My WW calls my mother “mom”; she hasn’t even called her own bio mom that in a very long time. My mom has been devastated about the affair. She’s dealing with a betrayal of her own with my WW; from what my dad did to our family, and now she sees it happening to me. She still hasn’t outright said anything against my WW, but I know she’s hurting too, and I know that the relationship she and my WW shared has taken a severe blow. I don’t know if that bond can recover or at least be somewhere near that same level of closeness. I know my WW feels and knows that too, and that loss deeply hurts her. They haven’t had any contact since DDay.
Maybe it’s not my place to worry about it right now, but I do. I can’t help it. And it’s a part of the anger I feel. Me and others having to deal with the pieces of something we never chose. Even with OBS and her twins, and I well know all the pain those kids are already going through and will experience. It’s like watching history repeat itself in a way. Pain; that’s all that’s going around. I believe my WW’s in pain, too, and I just keep thinking if only she would’ve considered that before the affair… maybe things would be different right now.
I wanted to give an update on a variety of things that have been going on. Has anyone had to deal with the fallout of a relationship between a WS and a family member who were close before DDay? How have you coped or been coping with triggers or fond moments that are now tarnished? I ask for advice and perspectives on the situation.
 
AP tried contacting my WW again - 2 July 2022
Hi, everyone. A lot has happened since I last posted. I’ve been trying to get my bearing on it all. I’ve been seeing the comments and the input is very much appreciated. I’m still working on replying. Here’s a new update:
Since my last post, I’ve gone back to work. This was my first week back, and juggling that with two sessions a week of IC has been a delicate balance. It’s been weird being back. I felt like a fish out of water for a while, but I did fall back into a bit of the rhythm. There were times where my focus slipped. I guess it’s going to take some time getting readjusted with everything else going on? But being back at work did keep my mind occupied in a way. I’m thankful no mind movies or triggers have come on at work so far.
Last Saturday night was particularly difficult. I was scrolling through the TV guide and Singin’ in the Rain was on; just the title took me to a place. It’s one of me and my WW’s favorite movies; she used to quietly sing along with it whenever we watched. She would claim to anyone that she can’t sing, but she has a beautiful voice. It was a lot, and before I knew it I started crying.
Out of nowhere, my mom’s dog came up to me and rested its head against me. He sensed my distress and was there to provide some comfort. Dogs are a true gift, and are always there when you need them. It’s been hitting me about how much I miss the little things such as hearing my WW sing. I used to joke with her that I’d be the first one online buying tickets to her concert.
On Tuesday night, as I was going over this work project, I received an unexpected FaceTime call from my WW. When I answered, she looked agitated. I asked her what had happened, and she told me that AP had emailed her. I questioned her on it because I was under the impression that AP was blocked; she said that it hadn’t crossed her mind to block his email, too, and that she was about to block his email. But she first wanted to send a rejection response back to him and thought it’d be best if I’d review it.
She said that she knows the work of confronting AP and shutting any door he tries to open falls on her, but she just wanted to be transparent with me and to shut AP down with my full knowledge and approval. She apologized for bringing me into it, and said that she has no right to ask for my support, but I cut her off right there and told her that I appreciated what she was doing. I think her immediately coming forward to me about the email did mean something to me because with me being gone from our home she could’ve easily kept me in the dark about it or replied without me knowing. That and being given a say in her reply to AP. I feel like I never factored in during the affair; like I wasn’t even a blip on the radar. Sometimes I think well, hell… did I ever cross your mind while this was going on? Did you ever second guess because of me?
My WW showed me the email from her tablet. What I read made my blood boil. Between the time AP sent the email and the time it took her to call me, only a minute had passed. She said that she was disgusted by the email and that she sees through his behavior in a way she hadn’t before.
I don’t know where to begin with AP’s email; I only ever grow more disgusted with AP. In the email, he just went on and on about my WW blocking his number, and if I had made her do that. He tried to fish what was the status of our relationship since DDay, and of course trashing OBS some more, complaining about how she kicked him out and that she’s being a “c-u-next-Tuesday” about the divorce; he should the actual word, but I won’t because it’s a word I choose not to use. He wrote that my WW should know by now that he has her back; saying he would like to see her, and that she should come over to his room at the extended stay.
My WW wrote back an unforgiving reply. She said that she chose on her own accord to block him, and as she told him on DDay, she didn’t want to continue things. She said as far as his divorce goes, he deserves whatever he gets the same way she’ll deserve the same thing; that anything they’re experiencing is nothing compared to what their respective spouses and families are dealing with. She said she hated who she was with him, and that she wants him to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. After she finished and reread her reply to me, I gave my approval. She sent it and then blocked his email address.
We talked for a little bit afterward. Nothing really about AP, but about how each other were doing. She said that I shouldn’t be concerned about her, but I told her that I was. She said that she’ll never forgive herself for bringing this on what us and that we were each other’s safe haven and she made a mess of everything; that she knows words aren’t enough and that the trust has been broken, but she means everything she has said and she hopes that it’ll show through her actions. She says that she hates that she had a part in uprooting so many lives, and she just genuinely hates herself. I stopped her from continuing because despite the immense hurt and betrayal I feel… hearing her say that ripped me apart inside.
My WW has a little garden at home; gardening was something she picked up during lockdown. I asked her how the plants were doing, and she said that she was struggling to find comfort in it like she usually did, but they were doing well. She showed me the newest plant that has certainly grown since I left on DDay. Before we ended the call, she asked if we could talk again, but I told her that I wasn’t sure. At the time, I couldn’t promise it. But I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe a meet-up in a natural public space wouldn’t be the worst idea. There’s a local park near us that has this lake. It’s pretty quiet and relaxing place. We used to go there sometimes.
Later that night, I texted her about meeting up at the park. She responded “yes” no more than 10 seconds later. From there, we agreed to meet up at the park the following day at 6 PM. To say that I was nervous after solidifying the plans would be putting it mildly. I didn’t know what to expect anymore, whereas before DDay I was so certain regarding her and I.
I originally included us meeting up yesterday, but I kept running into errors with including it in this post; I had to end up separating them. So I’m going to make a follow up post detailing our meet-up very soon. I was also wondering if I should provide the AP’s email to OBS. I wasn’t sure if it was the right idea or something unnecessary that will lead to more hurt for her. I appreciate any advice that can be offered.
 
I met up with my WW - 4 July 2022
Hi, everyone. Here’s my follow-up post for the meet-up with my WW:
Leading up to leaving for the park… I felt like my emotions were thrown in to a tornado. I didn’t know what to expect. I was overthinking and second-guessing everything. I thought it’d be best if I arranged some safe topics for me and my WW to discuss. I also prepared to cut the day short if needed.
My WW beat me to the park. She was already waiting in the parking lot when I drove up. I just took a deep breath before I even got out of my car; I prepared to cut the meet-up short if it proved to be too much. We actually got out of our cars at the same time, and she came to meet me. I could immediately tell that she was anxious, too. We kind of awkwardly greeted each other.
I did get the sense she was self-conscious about her appearance. I complimented her. It slipped out without a second thought; she looked beautiful. I feel like that’s a contradiction due to the betrayal and immense hurt I feel daily from her. I think she was caught off guard by my compliment. She had this shocked look on her face, and she thanked me.
I suggested that we’d go for a walk around the lake, and she was up for it. On our way to the pathway, there was this shaved ice vendor at the park, and I asked if she would like anything. I thought it was a good idea to help keep cool with the heat our area has been hit with. We looked at the menu and we both selected the same flavor at the same time➡️ strawberry. The vendor had a little chuckle at that. It reminded me of how attuned my wife and I were prior to DDay. My WW went to pay, but I stopped her. She said that I didn’t have to, but I told her that it was my treat, and besides I was the one who invited her out. After getting our shaved ice, we walked out to the path circling the lake.
At first our walk was just silent. Kind of an awkward silence. It was a peaceful atmosphere around the lake, and not a lot of people out; only about a handful of people spread out, mostly families. I think she didn’t want to push me to talk. It also felt like a lot of stuff was being said in the silence and we were both not sure where to start; like could we just be us again for this moment and not address the “affair elephant” in the room? Despite me gathering safe topics… my mind went blank; anything preplanned went out the window. I walked with my shaved ice, thinking, what are we even supposed to talk about. But I broke the silence and asked how her day had been, and that stated our convo that lasted for our entire walk.
We talked about how each of our day had been so far, the nature around us, the ducks walking around & the ones floating on the lake, this guy that biked past us, and we remarked how “what was he trying to prove by biking in this heat?” We talked some more about her garden back at our home, she asked how I was doing with my return to work and attentively listened to every single detail of my mundane work project. She wanted to know all about it and hear what I’d been up to; I realized that we hadn’t really had these kinds of talks since I left on DDay. I couldn’t deny to myself that I missed it.
We even talked about neighbors; she said one of our neighbors annoyingly decided to set off fireworks late at night all weekend. It felt like us just spending time together again and I remembered how much I used to enjoy it. I still feel conflicted about it now as I still feel everything that the affair has unleashed on us.
And then the convo grew to our current situation. How things have changed. She had said how much better the weather had been just a few weeks ago, and I said that everything was better just a few weeks ago. It got quiet again between us. I ended up asking how was her employment search was going, and she opened up about that. She’s been having trouble finding new work, and hasn’t heard back from any particular job yet. She said that the jobs in her field were narrow, and that she was still looking into customer service work. There’s this new local restaurant that’s preparing to open up and they’re hiring for servers and hostess; she said she’s considering applying there.
I asked if she was still ok financially in the meantime, and she said that she should be for right now. My WW was always good at saving money even when she didn’t have to, so I don’t really doubt that. But despite what’s going on, she’s still my wife, and my love for her doesn’t just go away; I wanted to make sure she’s ok in that area.
She eventually asked something that I could tell was troubling her. She asked how mom was doing; she didn’t say it as “how’s your mom doing?”; she said “how’s mom doing?” I spoke a little about he I didn’t try to guilt my WW with how my mom had been feeling, but I couldn’t just put on a poker face and lie about it either. I knew she would’ve seen through it. So I gave a summed up version. She had this dejected look on her face, and she just looked down to the ground. I brought up my mom’s dog, who my WW always loved, and I showed her some pics I took of him. Just like talking about my mom, the dog pics had an affect on her, and we talked about him for a little bit, and how I’d been walking him through the neighborhood lately.
Towards the end of it, she started tearing up, like she was fighting back tears. Something happened that stunned me; I instinctively put my arm around her shoulder. I think that simple gesture shook her too; she wasn’t expecting it. I had to hold back my own tears as I thought about how messed up everything’s become. For a minute, I thought I would have cut the meeting short; I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to continue on, but I just tried to focus on my breathing. She apologized. I told her that she didn’t need to apologize about this part, but she looked at me and just said “don’t I?” and said that this was all on her.
After that, we stood there quietly while she gathered herself. It was getting hotter outside, so we walked back to the parking lot. I walked her to her car. Before she got in, she thanked me for meeting up with her, and how much she’d missed us being together like this. She then asked if we could meet-up again, and I only said that maybe we could talk about it another time. She nodded and got into her car. I told her to drive safe and watched her drive off, and then I went on my own way.
When I returned home, my mom asked how things had gone and how was I holding up. She only listened and gave me some words of comfort. She was distant from me meeting my WW, and only asked if I thought I could handle it.
All in all, the meet-up was bittersweet. A part of me cherished it, and didn’t want it to end, but I felt all the pain accompanying it. It’s strange; I felt rejuvenated in a sense after spending that time with my WW, but I’m also emotionally exhausted.
I’ve been seriously considering if we should meet-up again. I haven’t made any plans on that yet. For right now, I am going to send AP’s email to OBS. Thank to everyone who voiced their opinion on that because I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. I feel like it’s something she needs to know and it could help her out with her case.
 
Update on me and my WW Pt. 1 - 16 July 2022
Hi, everyone. It’s been a little bit since my last post. It’s been a whirlwind since then, and if I’m being honest, I’ve been in quite a slump from it all, so I haven’t been able to make coherent posts. I’m also sorry for the missed comments. I do want to thank everyone for the advice, support, and kind words. It’s all very much appreciated and I don’t take it for granted.
I seem to be running into issues with including everything that’s been going on in one post, so I’ll make a second post as well, and attach the link here. Here’s the update:
I met up with my WW again back on the fourth. We’ve never done anything major on the fourth; mainly cookout at times with my mom and SIL. Those usual plans were not in the cards this year, and my WW wouldn’t be with her sister who still had to go to work. So I thought maybe my WW and I could go see the fireworks. Admittedly, I went back and forth on the idea, but decided to follow through on it.
I texted her if she would want to do so, and apologized for it being last minute. I received an almost automatic read notification. She said the timing wasn’t a problem and that she would love to, and that she’d get ready. I told her to take her time. When I sent the text, there were still about three hours until the fireworks started. We met up downtown around an hour later with this Starbucks being the meet-up spot, and then headed for the area of the show.
During our walk I noticed that her hand twitched toward me a few times; I think out of instinct she wanted to hold my hand. This gesture didn’t happen when we were at the park, but I assume that’s because we had the shaved ice; so our hands were preoccupied. We could be walking out into the backyard and we’d come out holding hands. Before DDay, whenever we walked, we held hands. I think she wanted too, but wanted to respect my space or just wasn’t sure if I’d be receptive. I don’t know how my reception would’ve been either, and I hate that I don’t. The affair has done a number in so many ways that I’m still coming to terms with.
We just talked as friends would, albeit, there was an awkwardness because of the reality of our current situation. It’s not the same as it once was, and the truth is, it’s not going to be; that realization is still hard for me. There wasn’t much talking during the fireworks; we just watched them in each others company. We actually left a little early because there was a group getting persistently obnoxious.
Afterward, me and my WW walked through downtown for a little bit, heading in the direction of our cars, but not so much in a hurry. Our conversation from before the fireworks picked back up. Honestly, it felt nice and such a relief to just have her with me like that. Despite everything that I’m feeling, I’ve missed her so much, and it was a relief to know that at least she wasn’t back at our home alone; that I could see her with my own eyes. But it was also laced with pain and sadness.
I asked if she would like to go grab a bite to eat, and she was up for it. We went to that local restaurant I mentioned in a post before that has the meal I bought for my WW when my SIL informed me that she wasn’t eating. She told me that she applied for the hostess position at another restaurant that’s opening up in August. She’s been down about the whole job search because it hasn’t been turning out so well. The jobs in her chosen field haven’t been reaching out. There could be a lot of reasons why she hasn’t received a response yet, but she worries if she was actually good at her job or if it was just AP pushing her along. During our convo, she received a text which she showed me without me having to ask; it was from her sister.
After we arrived back to where our cars were, we still lingered a bit as we talked, and then when we were parting, she thanked me for the night, and I thanked her for joining me. She said that she feels like she doesn’t deserve these moments, but at the same time she misses me; she feels selfish for it, and doesn’t know how to deal with the two conflicting feelings. I told her that I understood what she meant. She asked if she could see me again, and I told her that maybe we could set something up for the end of the week or the following week. She agreed. As I was leaving, I couldn’t shake this horrible feeling, knowing she was going back to being on her own.
After the fourth, my marriage, the new normal, reconciliation, divorce, etc…, everything has been weighing on me; I’ve been overthinking and second guessing. I hate feeling so unsure of my decisions regarding my marriage; it wasn’t this way before DDay. I’ve talked about this in IC, and I know the next path forward, whether it’s R or divorce depends on me. It was a particularly rough time since the fireworks. I’m going to touch on this in the follow-up post.
 
Update on me and my WW #2 - 16 July 2022
The Friday after the fourth started off on a better note. I felt less heightened and awoke to my mom’s dog at my bedside; the dog has been a good comfort, even from just taking him out on walks. It’s strange; just a few months before DDay, my WW and I were discussing getting a dog of our own.
I was set on trying to take the day slow. Work was going relatively ok. My lunch break came, and I went to get a little snack when out of nowhere this trigger hits me, and it’s like I was pulled apart like cotton candy. I was literally hunched over the kitchen counter trying to catch my breath; I believe I was having a panic attack. Of course, this alerts my mom’s dog. I want to say this episode lasted for a good 5 to 10 mins. It was one of the worst triggers I’ve had; if it’s even possible to rank them.
My mom was out on a grocery run, and with the way I was feeling, I didn’t want to be alone, so I called my WW. My breathing was still hitching when I did. She answered on the second ring, and I think she could immediately hear the distress in my voice because she responded with urgency, right away, asking me what was wrong. When I didn’t respond right back, she tried to switch to a FaceTime video call. I don’t know what she saw in my face, but it looked like it shook her. I asked if she could just stay on for a bit. She nodded.
It took me about another couple of minutes to settle down. My WW asked again what was wrong. I knew I finally had to tell her; I didn’t see any way around it with what she had just seen, and I didn’t see the point in keeping the mind movies, etc… hidden from her. I told her that it’s been happening for a while now; that I’ve been getting mind movies of her and AP in the hotel room, and there’s been certain things that are now triggers for me. She never said a word, and just took in everything I said. I told her that this one in particular was strong. Before I knew it, I just broke down crying as I tried to explain.
I managed to tell her that sometimes it feels like I’m having trouble just breathing, how I only get a few hours of sleep now, and even that’s not peaceful, and that I feel like a shell. I said I couldn’t bear to tell her any of this before because I feel like I’ve lost her and I didn’t know how to approach her with broken trust; that I feel like I’m grieving the loss of her as well. For me it’s like I lost the woman I love, my best friend, and family. She starts crying, and she said, she was so sorry she’s done this to me.
We just cried together for a little bit. After we both settled down, she said that she’d been speaking with her therapist about feeling the same losses and hole that I described, but she feels it’s different in the sense that she’s the one who imploded our relationship and family. She wants to fight for our relationship and doesn’t want to be without me, but also wants to respect my space. She said our meet-ups have meant everything to her, and yet she fears them as well. She’s afraid that one of our meet-ups or texts/calls is going to be the one where I say that it’s officially over. She said she won’t try to fight it when it happens because she deserves it. Hearing that wrecked me.
I told her that I haven’t tossed away our relationship; that me not being home doesn’t mean that I have. I told her I appreciated her efforts and for taking IC seriously. I asked if she was having any forms of mind movies or triggers too. She said she has random flashes of that night with AP and has triggers so far in terms of certain words he would say to her. I could only say that we’re a messed up pair these days, and she said only repeated that she’s the one who did this to us, OBS and her kids, and mom. I refuted and said this doesn’t all fall back on her; that AP did more of his fair share in terms of what he did to his own family. But she kept insisting that she’s the one who let him into our lives in the first place.
She asked what could she do to support me through the mind movies and triggers; I told her that I wasn’t sure. But after some silence, I asked if she would be open to talking with each other about what we were each experiencing; like us being there for each other as friends, which was the foundation of our relationship. We can talk about it in IC and talk about it with each other. She said that she wants to help me in anyway she can, but she doesn’t know if it’s possible or even fair for me to be trying to support her through the consequences of the affair.
I knew she had her IC session coming up, so I started to end the call. But before that, I brought my mom’s dog on and it impacted my WW; she was waving and calling out to him, and he of course recognized her and was staring at the screen and wagging his tail. We shared that moment for a bit. Before hanging up, she thanked me for confiding in her about what I was experiencing, and I thanked her for being there and opening up about what she was going through. She said that I could call her anytime I wanted and she would do her best to help me combat the movies.
To be honest, I cried some more right after the call. I tried to resume work, but I was sluggish. When my mom came home; I went to help her out with the bags, and I couldn’t even fake it. I think she knew what happened while she was away in terms of an episode coming on. She gave me some words of comfort.
It was conflicting, and it still feels that way. On one hand, it did feel nice opening up to my WW again, but it almost felt wrong in a sense; like a part of me was shouting “why are you doing this? You need to run and protect yourself.” I find the two sides impossible to reconcile.
One of the big betrayal hurdles for me is that she had these deep intimate talks on her part with AP. It feels so much like another violation. It was something we shared, and owed to each other, that she gave to AP even before the work trip.
If I were going to be open with her about what I’ve been experiencing, then I need for her to be with me as well. I need it to be a mutual thing, and not her holding back. I’ve struggled to figure out how to give her that push. It’s new territory for me; before DDay, we just had that open line of communication. A part of me feels how do I know just how much to push and how to know when to pull back, give her some time. When the EA started she said that she didn’t want to throw her problems on me because I was going through some things. She felt like she was going to throw extra worries. Well, with that in mind, isn’t it no better now if she continues to keep these things from me? Isn’t that how we kind of got into this position?
One thing I am certain about is that I feel like it’s time for me to start being more proactive again in regards to this situation. Having the necessary conversations with my WW, and there are still questions I would like answers for. I don’t know if I’m going about this the right way, if there’s even a right way to deal with things like this. But I feel like I need to try.
 
Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am not the OP, this is a repost sub.
Mood spoiler: Happy ending for OOP, but mysterious
All times listed are in PST (where this takes place)
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Sitter Won't Let Me Help Pick Up/Retrieve Cat posted in RoverPetSitting by u/nutritionlabel on November 27, 2022 (1am)
Hey all, posting for a friend (owner) because as a sitter, I could not fathom this type of response or this situation.
Her pickup for her cat was supposed to occur at 10 PM last night (Saturday PST), but she arrived early at 7 PM. When she arrived, the sitter grabbed her cat's carrier, but he supposedly ran away and hid under the sitter's bed. The sitter can't retrieve him, and after trying for a while, claimed she needed to get to bed. She asked my friend to return tomorrow at 5 AM to pick him up, and changed the pickup time. She won't let my friend into the house to assist with his retrieval, even as a last resort. My friend was able to drop off food and litter for the extra night, but that was the extent of it. The strange excuse she keeps giving my friend is that she has company over, and there isn't enough... room? for everyone in the house.
I asked if she got photographic proof of the cat under the bed, but she didn't get any. The sitter only sent a picture of the food already eaten. My main concern is that her cat is missing/hurt, and this is a strange way of buying time. Any advice as to how to proceed? Not too concerned about being charged extra, as we can always dispute, but worried about how to deal with this sitter.
Update: Hi all, my friend is in the thread now, but she's currently dealing with law enforcement. Lots in the air--thanks for all your support. She'll update when she can.
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Comment from u/guccigrandma_ on November 27, 2022 (4am)
Hi everybody, I’m the friend of the person who posted this (the post is about my cat). She hasn’t let me in at all (not during the meet and greet as she said she was dog sitting so we had to meet in a public place) and not when I went to drop him off either (I asked if I could go in to help him get settled, which would also allow me to see the house, but she said I wouldn’t be able to go in because the house was not “set up” or something super vague). I’m going to leave in an hour to try and get him (haven’t slept at all due to anxiety from this situation) and I’m not sure what to do if she still doesn’t let me get him. I’m ready to get the police involved at this point if she still doesn’t let me get him today.
Also, just to clarify, yes, the pickup was a few hours earlier than scheduled, but since the original booking (which took place 3 weeks before the trip) I made it clear that I wasn’t sure what time I would be returning to the area so I could pick up my cat, which she said was fine. I also kept the sitter extremely updated with the pickup times and let her know the ETA as well as any updates on the ETA due to traffic, stops, etc. so her not letting me in had nothing to do with the fact that I got there earlier than scheduled.
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Comments from u/guccigrandma_ on November 27, 2022
4am:
Hi, it’s my cat in the post (I’m the kitty mama). The one thing that’s keeping me calm is that he is a scared little guy that is TERRIFIED of the outside world. The few times I have tried to take him outside he has refused and has gone to hide in my closet, so I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t have ran away. He’s also microchipped as well and his collar has my contact info on it.
5am:
She did send lots of pictures and let me know every time she fed him so i’m really hoping it’s just a little awkward too. I’m currently outside her house waiting for her to bring him out. Will do my best to keep everybody updated!!
10am:
Sorry for not updating sooner. I haven’t yet. She said he went to hide under the bed again and she refused to let me in because she “doesn’t let anybody into her personal space” and she refused to wait for longer because she had to go to work at 7am. She said when she gets back in the afternoon she would try and lure him out again with her friend.
She told me her strategy was to basically open the door and let him run out and have me catch him because this “silliness is not worth getting clawed over”.
The ONLY reason I haven’t gotten Rover involved yet is that I’m afraid that if they contact her she will be even less likely to give him back and she’ll fully stop replying to me altogether.
She did call me when we were supposed to meet and she told me she was trying to put his leash on, which I’m holding on to for hope because if SHE reached out to me then maybe he’s safe and ok and she WANTS to give him back but she’s just extremely selfish and unprofessional.
10am:
For everybody waiting on an update:
It is now 10am. I went to pick him up at 5am and was there outside her place until 7am trying to get him back. I haven’t gotten him back yet. She said he went to hide under the bed again and she refused to let me in because she “doesn’t let anybody into her personal space” and she refused to wait for longer because she had to go to work at 7am. She also repeatedly kept slamming the door in my face in the middle of my sentences. She said when she gets back in the afternoon she would try and lure him out again with her friend.
She told me her strategy was to basically open the door and let him run out and have me catch him because this “silliness is not worth getting clawed over”.
I just called Rover to find out what I can do and they’re going to contact her to find out what these “privacy concerns” are and why she won’t let me in to get him, and to ask if I can just go in really quick to grab him and then go right back out.
She did call me when we were supposed to meet and she told me she was trying to put his leash on, which I’m holding on to for hope because if SHE reached out to me then maybe he’s safe and ok and she WANTS to give him back but she’s just extremely selfish and unprofessional.
IF I haven’t gotten him back by tonight, I’ll getting the police involved.
Additional ~10am comments:
Just called [Rover]. They said the best they can do is call her to find out what the privacy issues are in terms of why she won’t let me in, and if there’s any way she could just let me in for a few seconds to grab my boy. They said they’ll call me back shortly.
Nope, she’s at home, I’ve seen her and she’s come out and talked to me multiple times when I went to drop off more supplies last night because she said she had to go to bed and this morning when I was supposed to pick him up she was there but she said she had to “go to the store so she could be back in time for work” so she left her apartment, I waited for her to get back (she said she would try and lure him out again when she got back from the store), and when she got back she basically slammed the door in my face.
She knows exactly where he is, she just says she can’t get him out because he won’t come when she calls him, and refuses to let me in despite me saying he is much more likely to come when I, as his mom, call him
11am:
Yes. [Rover] reached out to the sitter to find out why she isn’t letting me in. No response. I’m on the phone with them again to speak to their Trust and Visibility team because she told me the app “records everything” which is why she isn’t too bothered with pictures so I’m going to ask for a recording of him from today or preferably right now. And then as soon as I get off the phone with them I’m going to the police.
Also, his collar has a tag with my phone number on it, so hopefully they would call me first.
12pm:
I just got off the phone with the cops, they’re going to go with me to get my cat.
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Petsitter won't let owner retrieve cat posted in legaladvice by u/nutritionlabel on November 27, 2022 (4pm)
Hi all, please view this on the Rover subreddit for adtl context.
My friend's cat was boarded overnight from Wednesday, 11/23, and was set for pickup last night on Saturday, 11/26 at 10 PM PST. She arrived early for pickup at 7 PM, but the sitter had issues retrieving the cat, and wouldn't let her in to assist as a last resort. The sitter asked her to return at 5 AM today (11/27) to retrieve him, as she had to sleep early for work. Strange, being that the initial pickup time was 10 PM.
At 5 AM, the cat was again unable to be retrieved. As of last night, there has been no proof of life--no live photos, videos, etc. to prove the cat is actually in her care still. There were photos earlier in the booking, though. At 7 AM, the owner contacted Rover's support, who also couldn't get in contact with the sitter (their own contractor). They could not determine what privacy reasons prevented the sitter from letting the owner in.
Around noon, she called the non-emergency line, who would only send a mediator to talk to both parties, and convince the sitter to let her in. The sitter, now at work, is unreachable. The emergency line/911 is then called, and the sheriff is sent to the owner's house. The police have now remarked that nothing can be done because there is no reasonable suspicion that the sitter is withholding the cat intentionally. They again can only send a mediatocivic officer to the house, IF the sitter is able to provide them with an availability. The sitter is unreachable still, so they cannot arrange for anyone to visit the house.
The only course of action they suggest is pressing criminal charges, which would then allow a judge to issue a subpoena. Animal Control is on holiday at the moment, and is out of office until Tuesday. What is the next available course of action at the moment? We are fearful for the safety and well-being of a live animal, but I am more suspicious that the cat is not well/missing, and the sitter is buying time. Does she press charges, or is there another way to insist the police check on the wellfare of the sitteanimal?
The sitter has been "at work" since 7/8 AM PST, and it is now 4 PM PST. She has been unreachable, even after the owner has communicated that law enforcement has been involved. This pertains to NorCal/San Jose area.
Thank you!
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Update from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022 (4pm)
Law enforcement has been contacted, but there is nothing in place that allows them to entedemand entry. The sitter is apparently still at work, and has been unreachable, even after she has communicated that law enforcement needs to work with her.
Unfortunately, there is no substantial update I can give because the civil/non-emergency officers won't stick around for longer than 20-30 minutes, and we cannot get in touch with the sitter to get an estimate of when she'll be home. She's not being treated as a criminal, so all we're waiting on is an opportunity for mediation. I haven't had the best input on the legal advice sub either, as we're looking for "loopholes" to get the officers to revisit her house without a warrant. All this to say, law enforcement came and went.
Please visit the post on legaladvice here if you have any further advice or wish for an update. Sorry this isn't more positive. We are hoping for the best for Cheese.
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Comments from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022
6pm:
Thank you, we'll look into filing a report with Animal Control ASAP. I also feel like he's missing at this point, if not long before. It will probably be a separate legal issue entirely then regarding the sitter's liability.
7pm:
She tried to contact Animal Control, but they're closed until Tuesday. I might suggest calling 911 if they have an emergency line though.
7:30pm:
Nope, we cannot be sure of the sitter's whereabouts at all anymore. We know she left the house in the morning, and has been unreachable by the owner AND Rover since then.
I believe she has been back to snoop around the house, but there are blinds that prevent you from looking in.
I asked to see the sitter's profile immediately yesterday, and it's glowing. 15 or so verified stays, 5-star reviews commending her for her communication and skill.
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Update from u/guccigrandma_ November 27, 2022 (8pm)
Another update (I’m the owner):

• called the cops. They can’t physically open the door or anything and they just recommended I press criminal charges.
• it is 8:24pm. I am currently waiting near her house for a pair of Civil Standby officers to escort me to her house to try and get him back. They cannot FORCE anything but they can mediate to make sure the situation doesn’t escalate and get violent. Additionally, this is one of the most unsafe streets in the area so I am very scared to be here at night, so I will have to leave around 9:30 if the officers haven’t arrived by then. The dispatcher was unable to give me an ETA but said that the officers will try to be here ASAP.
• she FINALLY replied to me around 7:30pm. She was very angry that I “lied to Rover” by telling them she wasn’t giving me an ETA. She said I need to come through NOW because if I’m not here by the time she “gets too comfortable and falls asleep” she’s not opening the door for me and I’ll have to “try again another time”. She’s also “extending the stay” on Rover so this could def be an attempt to extort money from me.
• if I don’t get him back TONIGHT I’m filing charges first thing tomorrow morning.
• Several people have been asking where this is all happening. This situation is taking place in San Jose, CA.

I understand that everybody is eager for an update and I am extremely grateful for the support. But there really hasn’t been an update in that I STILL don’t have him back yet. I was supposed to have him back 24 hours ago. Also, I’ll do my best to keep everybody updated but I am trying to just hold myself together enough to get him back. I haven’t slept in like 2 days and I haven’t been able to eat at all today because I’m too nauseous and anxious to get anything down so please be patient with me.
I’d like to also give a GINORMOUS hug to my friend that posted this thread. She’s been constantly there for me the entire day and checking in and doing everything she can to help me out. She’s also been posting updates on my behalf when I was too emotionally messed up to.
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Comment from u/guccigrandma_ November 27, 2022 (9pm)
Cops are currently knocking at her door. My dad and I are waiting in my car nearby for an update. They’ve been up there for some time so I’m hoping they made progress.
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Update from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022 (10pm)
UPDATE 2 11/27 10 PM: The police have entered the sitter's house, while the owner observed from outside. Legally, they could not force the sitter to allow entry. CHEESE WAS SPOTTED! Unfortunately, they again had issues retrieving him, as he was under furniture. The sitter did ask police to leave her house, and communicated to them that she will contact the owner tomorrow for another pickup. It's infuriating that there is this much red tape, but at least he's safe and located. If she does not allow the owner in again tomorrow, then the police will return.
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Update from u/guccigrandma on November 28, 2022 (10am)
Hi everybody,
One more update morning of 11/28 10AM:

• sitter told me to come back at 1pm and she told me to call animal control (she’s willing to let animal control inside) because they’ll have the tools to trap him but no animal control in my area is available today. However, all the animal control 3rd party agencies I called said all they would do is trap Cheese (my cat) in a cage that they would lure him into using sardines. Given how motivated he is by food, I’m thinking if I can make the cage look like his cave bed, especially if I use my blanket that he loves, he might be more likely to go in.
• I’m going to be going with civil standby officers to her house again today because she let them in yesterday. Unfortunately because he is considered property, the emergency cops say they can’t do anything because it would be civil jurisdiction and not criminal (which is BULLSHIT and I am honestly LIVID about it but there still isn’t anything I can do about it) but the civil standby officers yesterday were able to go inside her home and spot Cheese (they told me he is safe and uninjured, just extremely scared) so I’m assuming she’ll let them in today as well.

Hopefully with the combination of the cops and the trap, I’ll be able to get him home today.
Honestly I’m just fucking exhausted and sad and I’m doing everything I possibly can to get my poor baby back. I just hate everything right now and I’m so stressed but I’m trying so hard to think positively; the cops said she was pretty adamant on getting him back to me because she’s fed up about the situation (even though she STILL won’t let me into her residence??) and I talked on the phone with the sitter this morning and she was relatively cooperative. I’m just so so tired and I just want him back.
ALSO, I saw that some people have found the sitter on Rover. If you have, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ANY NEGATIVE REVIEWS UNTIL I HAVE CHEESE BACK. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT HER. PLEASE. SHE IS ALREADY EXTREMELY ANGRY AND WE DO NOT NEED HER TO BE ANY LESS COOPERATIVE THAN SHE IS AT THIS MOMENT.
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Update from u/guccigrandma on November 28, 2022 (10pm)
Update 11/28 10PM:

• STILL haven’t gotten him back.
• police really cannot do anything to force her to let me in so I decided my ONLY option to get him soon would be to work with her and try to figure out what can be done without going inside
• I bought and set up a Havahart cat trap (they are humane) and placed sardines inside. around 3pm today, I gave it to her and she took it inside but he still isn’t getting in. She hasn’t fed him today because we are hoping that when he gets hungry enough he will go into the cage by himself.
• if he isn’t inside the cage by the time she wakes up tomorrow I’m calling a local Animal Trapper because she is willing to let animal control in. This trapper has been extremely helpful and optimistic; she really believes that eventually Cheese WILL get hungry and curious enough to go inside the cage to get the sardines. But apparently domesticated cats usually take longer to get in because they’re not AS hungry. However, if he doesn’t, she will use her catchpoke (stick with loop at the end she can use to drag him into the trap) to force him into the trap. It sucks because he’ll be terrified and will hate it but at this point since the sitter is STILL not letting me in and I have no fucking laws that are on my side here that would force her to let me in so that is my only option
• will update when I can tomorrow.

I REALLY REALLY need success stories about trapping cats. I need to hear about ANY AND ALL times you guys have been successful in trapping cats. My anxiety is going haywire and I’m so beyond worried he won’t get into the trap or that the animal trapper won’t be able to reach him if he goes under the bed. I just need reassurance that we’ll be able to trap him. I need to be able to breathe through tonight.
Please also send any positive stories about owners being reunited with their pets. PLEASE no stories that ended without a reunion, I really don’t need to hear that right now.
Thank you 💞
EDIT 11/29 6:30AM:

• HE IS SUCCESSFULLY TRAPPED IN THE CAGE!!!! I AM SO FUCKING HAPPYYYYY!!!
• the sitter told me to go pick him up at 8:30am. I double checked that she’s able to pick up and move the cage as she previously stated she’s not physical enough to move the bed and I just really don’t want any more obstacles (he’s a big cat around 15lbs) and she said she’s sure she can. I am so happy right now.

EDIT 11/29 9AM:
THE UPDATE YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! HE IS SAFELY AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY!!! Will write more later but rn just spending time with him!!
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Update from u/nutritionlabel November 29, 2022 (9am)
FINAL UPDATE 11/29 9 AM: CHEESE IS HOME! The owner will make an update at some point, but thanks for all your support and care for Cheese. See her update here.
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Update from u/guccigrandma_ November 29, 2022 (9:30am)
11/29 9:30AM- (SEMI) FINAL UPDATE THAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
CHEESE IS FINALLY BACK HOME WITH HIS FAMILY!!
WE ARE SO FUCKIMG HAPPY RIGHT WE MISSED HIM SO MUCH AND WE WERE SO WORRIED!!! I picked him up about an hour ago.
I’m gonna spend today just chilling with him and then tomorrow I’m gonna start figuring out what to do to make sure nobody else goes through this.
thank you to everybody for the support!!! knowing that so many people were looking out for my baby was so helpful in keeping my morale up. ESPECIALLY thankful for OP (my homegirl and also former housemate in college <3) for everything she has done for me, from making this post to checking in on me regularly to posting in the legal advice subreddit to find out what all options I had in this situation.
Idk how to post pics in a Reddit comment, but here is a link to one of my previous posts with some pictures of my silly boy <3
https://www.reddit.com/CatsCalledFood/comments/x64bun/my_cat_cheese_just_adopted_him_last_month_and_we/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Comments from u/guccigrandma_ November 29, 2022
1pm:
He is his normal silly snuggly self!! He hid in the closet for a few minutes but was immediately in my lap after that. And of course loudly meowing for breakfast which I missed 💞 I had to go to work so I don’t know how he’s doing at the moment but I’ll be home in about 2 hours so I’ll do my best to update one more time on his behavior then!!
edit: another update about his behavior- He’s a little bit shier than he was before I dropped him off at the sitter (he sat in the closet a few times today whenever there were unexpected noises in the house, such as the roomba that my parents auto set to turn on at 4pm every day and also my brother doing burpees in his room LOL but him being a little scared is to be expected given what a stressful situation he was just in) but overall he is doing well!! He is currently lying on my tummy enjoying butt scratches.
I am still recovering from the experience as well, I still get somewhat nervous that I’m gonna wake up and it was just a dream that I got him back or something and I’m not fully back to my normal self but both Cheese and I will be healed soon 💞
Various all around 11pm:
It definitely didn’t make sense.
She said she was too afraid to pick him up because he “had his claws out” (because he was scared) and “it isn’t worth getting scratched over such silliness”. She also said if he scratches her she WOULD go to the hospital and I would have to pay her hospital bills (I told Rover support about this and they said that according to the business contract sitters have with Rover that’s simply not true).
My cat allows me to put him into his carrier. He’s not thrilled about it, but he doesn’t let his claws out and he just gives in to the fact that he’s gonna get into the carrier. But even when I told her that she refused to let me in. She was upset that the situation hadn’t been resolved but refused to let me in even though I’d be the most likely to be able to resolve it.
She refused to even open her front door enough for me to properly see Cheese. I was able to see him after he had turned around, but he wouldn’t have been able to see me because I wasn’t even in the doorway yet before he turned around and walked away. But she said the fact that he “turned around after seeing me” made it clear that even if I went inside to call him that wouldn’t work because he “doesn’t like me”. It was absolute bullshit that made NO sense at all but he’s back home with me now which is all that matters.
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Idk what sitter you found but if it’s the same one that others found (not sure who they found either tho) but I’m p sure y’all have found the correct one.
Haven’t had the energy to leave a review today but I plan to leave a review and a written statement tomorrow !!
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I most definitely didn’t accept [an extension of the booking]!! Rover also told me not to accept it and they said they’re giving me a full refund too
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Update (via edit) from u/guccigrandma_ November 30, 2022 (10am)
Edit 11/30 10AM:

• Just spoke to Rover, they want to get my written statement about the situation so that they can do a safety evaluation on the sitter. They also have copies of our correspondence since almost all of it was via text, and she has sent me some extremely rude messages that clearly show she has no empathy/concern for either me or Cheese, so I will definitely tell them to look through our messages as well.

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Comments from u/guccigrandma_ November 30, 2022 (11am)
All of those messages were before I got Cheese back. There has been no correspondence since I got him back and I plan to keep it that way.
I have no idea if she actually attempted, to be honest, as she refused to even let me GLANCE inside to see how she was trying to put Cheese inside the carrier.
She DID extend the stay (she modified the booking to reflect the added time) but of course I did not accept it. So it definitely looks like she was trying to extort me or something.
But on the other hand, she kept saying she was angry this was going on so long because she has other bookings coming up so she needs him out, but was doing pretty much nothing to actually facilitate getting him out of her apartment and back to me.
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Yep, he was a rescue!! I adopted him a few months ago and he is 4 years old, and I have no idea what he went through before I adopted him, but it’s clear it’s hard for him to trust others. This was my first time using a cat sitter (apart from really soon after I adopted him which is a long story, but the sitter allowed me inside to put him in his carrier).
The cops basically stated that I have no right to know anything about her room/apartment and her life if she does not give consent. They refused to tell me ANYTHING and just said that they don’t fault her for not letting a stranger in, despite me repeatedly saying that she has my CAT (my property) and they said they couldn’t do anything about it unless I pressed criminal charges, in which case a judge might be willing to issue a warrant to search and seize my cat back, but then they told me that this would be a civil case because he is my property, not criminal, so there’s nothing I could do to get my cat back through a legal approach.
The cop then shamed me for using Rover in the first place and said she doesn’t let anybody other than friends and family sit her dog. Obviously I would’ve preferred that too, but none of my friends nor family was available to catsit.
It was a COMMENTER that ultimately told me I might be able to go through a magistrate to get a search warrant even on a civil case. I’m really grateful for that advice but by the time I saw it I’m pretty sure he was already in the cat trap.
And Cheese is doing very well now. He’s eating a bit less than before, but he’s already back to refusing to get off my lap which I missed. It’s hilarious because the sitter literally called Rover in FRONT of me and tried to tell them that she thought Cheese is scared of me and that’s why he wouldn’t get into the carrier (which again doesn’t make sense but nothing about this situation does).
-
Just to clarify- she never let me in for anything. She didn’t even let me get within a foot of her doorway and refused to open the door more than just the space needed for her to look outside the door.
I felt so guilty at first for leaving my cat with a sitter rather than friends or family until I remembered that she had really good reviews so this wasn’t my fault.
The cops seemed so apathetic to my situation, but I didn’t have a good view of them to begin with. I only called them because I felt like maybe when she saw them she would be intimidated enough to let me in.
I haven’t left a review on her account yet, and here’s why-

• I’m not sure how rover reviews work and if sitters can respond to reviews, because if they can I have NO DOUBT that if she can, she would do everything possible to make ME look bad and she’s a pro at adding in false details. I’m worried that somebody would see her response to me, believe her over me, and book with her anyway. IF somebody confirms to me that sitters cannot respond to reviews, I will absolutely leave a review.
• THAT BEING SAID, I am going to give a written statement to Rover (currently just waiting for their email with the sheet where I can write the statement) that goes into very close little details. Hopefully they will ban her. Either way, as long as I get confirmation that sitters can’t respond to reviews, I will leave a negative review.

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Reports of attempted attacks on the electrical grid are surfacing across the country after the shooting of two electrical substations cut power to 45,000 homes in central North Carolina.

North Carolina

Two electric substations in Moore County, located about 60 miles southwest of Raleigh, were damaged by gunfire on the night of December 3 in what officials called an “intentional” attack. Due to the sophisticated nature of the required repairs, many residents did not see their power restored until December 8.
Authorities recovered nearly two dozen shell casings from a high-powered rifle at the power sites. “The person, or persons, who did this knew exactly what they were doing,” Moore County Sheriff Ronnie Fields said during a news conference last week.
Law enforcement has not identified a motive behind the attack, but some residents believe domestic terrorists cut the power to shut down a local drag show. Local pride organizers and members of the LGTBQ+ community report facing repeated threats in the days leading up to the drag show, called “Downtown Divas” and held as a fundraiser for Sandhills Pride.

“This is my first time having this level of hate thrown at something that we love so much,” said [Sandhills Pride Director Lauren] Mathers, a Southern Pines resident and producer of the drag event. “Kids in rural communities don’t necessarily always have the same level of support, and what I hear from my kids is that there’s constant bullying.”
Naomi Dix, headliner of the Dec. 3 show at the Sunrise Theater in Southern Pines, said she and fellow organizers were brutally harassed in the weeks leading up to the show. Conservative community leaders led a protest outside the theater, spread the false narrative that it was a sex show and demanded it be shut it down, she said.

One of the main opponents of the local drag show is former army psychological operations officer Emily Grace Rainey, who arranged for about 100 North Carolinians to attend the January 6th insurrection in Washington D.C.

On Dec. 30, Rainey posted a video to Facebook in which she said that Citizens for Freedom and Moore County Republicans were sponsoring buses for the trip to Washington, D.C. on Jan. 6. In the video, she is wearing what she said was a Christmas present: a ball cap that read “Lions Not Sheep.”
“If you would like to sponsor a rider to go to Washington, D.C. to stand for election integrity, on Jan. 6, which our president asked us to be there, then please let the GOP know so we can get folks signed up,” she says. “I’ll lead this trip, so, um, I’ll be there and will be helping to coordinate on the day.”

Rainey not only protested the Sandhills Pride drag show, she implied on social media that she was involved in the attack on the electric substations—attacks that coincidentally occurred just minutes after the drag show began.

From 5 until 7 p.m. on Saturday, Rainey and her self-characterized group of “small-town Christian conservatives” engaged in verbal exchanges with pro-LGBTQ counter-protesters near the theater…Shortly after the lights went out at the Sunrise Theater, Rainey posted to Facebook that “power is out in Moore County and I know why.” She then posted a photo of the “Downtown Divas!” marquee of the blacked-out theater and wrote, “God will not be mocked.”

When the Moore County Sheriff’s Office paid Rainey a visit, purportedly to ask about her social media posts, she said she told deputies that “God works in mysterious ways and is responsible for the outage.” She further stated that she “used the opportunity to tell them about the immoral drag show.”
Sheriff Fields told the press that Rainey’s posts were not credible, adding: "We had to go and interview this young lady and have a word of prayer with her and so, but it turned out to be nothing." It should be noted that Fields was pictured posing with Rainey at a 2020 ‘Back the Red, White and Blue’ event.

Attacks across the country

Shortly before the Moore County substation attack, the FBI warned that there had been an increase in reported threats to electric infrastructure from people espousing “violent extremist ideology,” aiming “to create civil disorder and inspire further violence.”
Similarly, the Department of Homeland Security obtained a white supremacist instruction guide to attack the power grid shared on Telegram:

Notably in 2020, a 14-page document released in a Telegram channel favored by accelerationists groups seeking to speed the overthrow of the US government featured a white supremacist instruction guide to low-tech attacks meant to bring chaos, including how to attack a power grid with guns…“The powergrid would be crippled for a very large area. Armor piercing rounds shot into the transformers would destroy them,” the colorful how-to describes.
The writer goes on to frame how massive blackouts would aid in the toppling of society which is a key accelerationist goal. “But with the power off, when the lights don’t come back on… all hell will break lose, making conditions desirable for our race to once again take back what is ours,” the document reads.

At least four states, including North Carolina, have experienced attacks on their electrical grid in recent months.
The electrical grid in Washington and Oregon was “physically attacked” at least six times during the past 30 days. Portland General Electric, the Bonneville Power Administration, Cowlitz County Public Utility District, and Puget Sound Energy all reported attacks.

Oregon Public Broadcasting and KUOW obtained an email written by a security specialist with the Bonneville Power Administration that details that attack. OPB is withholding the specialists’ name at the request of Bonneville Power due to their concerns about the specialist’s safety. Two people cut through the fence surrounding a high-voltage substation, then “used firearms to shoot up and disable numerous pieces of equipment and cause significant damage,” the security specialist wrote.
The memo also referenced “several attacks on various substations,” recently, in Western Washington, “including setting the control houses on fire, forced entry and sabotage of intricate electrical control systems, causing short circuits by tossing chains across the overhead buswork, and ballistic attack with small caliber firearms.”

A hydroelectric plant in Ridgeway, South Carolina, reported gunshots near the facility last week, though no damage was found. The local sheriff later said that the event was not linked to the Moore County shooting and may not have even been targeting the power plant.
A second substation was “deliberately disabled” by “vandalism” in North Carolina just weeks before the attack in Moore County. In a statement posted online, the Carteret-Craven Electric Cooperative stated that “vandals damaged transformers and caused them to leak coolant oil,” knocking out power for more than 12,000 homes. The company was able to restore power within hours.
A few months ago, in September, at least half a dozen “substation intrusion events” were reported across Florida. Duke Energy has released no details on the incidents which took place in Orange Blossom, Zephyrhills, Bay Ridge, and Clearwater, Florida.
Furthermore, three men pled guilty earlier this year to “providing material support to terrorists” in a scheme to attack energy facilities to accelerate a race war. Christopher Cook, 20, of Ohio; Jonathan Frost, 24, of Indiana; and Jackson Sawall, 22, of Wisconsin, planned to attack substations across the country with rifles:

According to court documents, in fall 2019, Frost and Cook met in an online chat group. Frost shared the idea of attacking a power grid with Cook, and within weeks, the two began efforts to recruit others to join in their plan.
As part of the recruitment process, Cook circulated a book list of readings that promoted the ideology of white supremacy and Neo-Nazism. By late 2019, Sawall – a friend of Cook’s – joined the conspiracy and assisted Cook with online recruitment efforts, operational security and organization.
As part of the conspiracy, each defendant was assigned a substation in a different region of the United States. The plan was to attack the substations, or power grids, with powerful rifles. The defendants believed their plan would cost the government millions of dollars and cause unrest for Americans in the region. They had conversations about how the possibility of the power being out for many months could cause war, even a race war, and induce the next Great Depression.

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Hello all.
Although the general consensus on UK based subs appears to be that most support NHS strikes I have seen some pushback. People are concerned about the impact of elective surgeries being cancelled which could potentially causing more harm/deaths. I am basically writing putting this out into the world as my perspective as a nurse working in a surgical HDU (which mostly takes cardiac and vascular patients) at a London Centre for Excellence on why we need this short-term disruption to have any hope of making the system better in the long-term.
At the end of the day, the outcome of an elective surgery being cancelled due to strike action is no different from the surgery being cancelled and pushed back on the day of the operation because there are no beds or staff to adequately care for the patient. This is something that is already happening every single day. Now say you are an elective CABG patient and your surgery is scheduled on a strike day and it is cancelled ahead of time. This will be extremely frustrating of course, particularly if you booked the time off work already, but at least you have due warning so you didn't waste your day packing/fasting/traveling to the hospital.
Now imagine that this doesn’t happen, and you come in first thing in the morning on the ward or the surgical admission lounge/unit, etc. You haven’t eaten since supper yesterday and you last had a drink of water at 06:00 as your pre-op booklet instructed you to. The nurse sees you and maybe takes some blood you’re your observations and gets you into a hospital gown. She doesn’t know what time you’ll be taken to the theatre exactly as this depends on the list/theatre coordinatotime the porters arrive etc. The surgeon and anaesthetist came to see you to take your consent for the operation. They tell you you’re currently second on the list so you should hopefully be heading down to theatres a bit after midday – I am now naming “you” in this scenario Patient B. Patient A is a simple case that will be ‘quickly’ done before you. You understand but the wait starts to make you increasingly anxious to get going and your hunger eventually starts giving way to nausea which makes you feel worse while you wait.
Eventually, it’s 14:00 and you’re absolutely starving. You find yourself getting into an argument with one of the nurses about what is taking so long because you were led to believe that you will be going down at 12:00 and you can’t be expected to carry on like this. The nurse tells you she’ll do her best to find out what is going on and then she flits off again. Maybe you follow her out to check that she’s doing what she says she will. You stand over her at the nurse’s station and don’t see her calling the surgical team, she is “just typing at the computer”. She tells you that she bleeped the team but is waiting for a callback, they’re busy in theatre and she doesn’t know what time they’ll be done with their current case.
Multiple other patients start confronting her about the wait time too. What could possibly be taking so long? Your appointment letter said to be here at 08:00 and that’s exactly what you did.
Suddenly it’s 17:30 and you hear that you might be cancelled as there’s “no bed” for you or there’s no staff to do the op or recover you or your surgeon has left the theatres. You’re furious because you’re parched and hangry and upset enough at being made to wait all day as it is. You’ve held up your end of the bargain and done everything right.? How could this happen? Well….
First of all, I don’t know why but the approximate time of “after midday” always seems to become an ironclad promise in the minds of any patient that that is when they are getting whatever said treatment. It is a guideline rather than a guarantee, please remember that.
Surgeons, their assistants, and scrub nurses are human too and might be taken ill throughout the course of the day, having come in when they really shouldn’t have in the first place. These healthcare professionals must often stand in one position whilst wearing very heavy and extensive PPE with 100% focus on a single series of tasks for hours at a time with no opportunity for breaks and drinks of water etc. They need to break for lunch and to use the toilets as much as any other person and often do not have the opportunity to do so without a significant personal toll. I would like all who are unconvinced by this to please watch a couple of minutes of the following video which features a surgical registrar that was being followed around his work as part of a docu-series on the challenges faced by junior doctors in the NHS who was taken ill with kidney stones due to not being able to stop to drink enough water during work hours. (I would also recommend the series in general if you have the time it's eye-opening stufff) Now on a well-staffed day there are circulating members of staff around who can scrub in and relieve the original nurse/surgeon to allow them to take a comfort break but of course, this is not always possible, particularly in the winter due to sickness absence and the summer months due to annual leave.
None of the above even begins to account for any serious intraoperative complications that extend Patient As operating time. They can’t exactly ditch Patient A who is bleeding out to die just so that they can crack on with Patient Bs surgery. There is also no accounting for post-operative patients on the ward becoming very unwell and needing the surgeon’s attention and advice. Perhaps the surgeon had to leave theatres because there was a cardiac arrest on HDU and they had to go and do an emergency re-sternotomy on the patient in an attempt to resuscitate them.
Now the process of moving through the hospital according to levels of care during the elective cardiac surgery goes something like this (in my hospital at least) : Admission ward or unit to be prepped -> Down to theatres and into anaesthetic room -> the operating theatre -> theatres recovery -> either ICU or an overnight intensive recovery unit/post-anaesthetic recovery unit/whatever the hospital calls it -> HDU -> Ward. At every single step of the process a patient needs to be moved out of the bed you’re going to go into first.
Both Patient A and Patient B can be stuck on the admission unit at the start of the day before they even go down to surgery because there’s no beds in recovery and/or not enough nurses to open them all for patients. Eventually, THAT problem is rectified by the Site Nurse Practitioner sending nurses from ICU to go to work in recovery - this, of course, has the knock-on effect of making the remaining ICU nurses double up on Level 3 patients which is unsafe but hey the elective surgery didn’t get cancelled and THAT’S more important for the Trust metrics!
So there’s now a sufficiently qualified nurse manning that theatres recovery bed for Patient A so they can go ahead and have their surgery because there is somewhere to send them afterward. Patient B is therefore waiting for Patient A’s surgery to be complete and for them to have vacated the operating room (and for everything to be cleaned) before Patient B can go down and be anaesthetised. Now in an ideal world, we would wait for Patient A to have vacated the theatre's recovery bed before we start surgery on Patient B, just in case Patient A has any complications. That would be the safe thing to do. Only bed pressures exist and they don’t want to cancel Patient B (or Patient C after them etc) so sometimes they just crack on anyway. This puts an unholy amount of pressure on the nurse in charge of recovery to get Patient A out of the recovery bed and send them up to Overnight Intensive Recovery/Post Anaesthesia Care Unit/ICU whichever they require. This involves a tonne of phone calls and pushing the nurse in charge of that unit, who in turn pushes the bedside nurse on that unit to hurry up and make themselves available for the new admission. This usually means discharging a patient from the OIPACU downstream to HDU so that Patient A can be moved into that empty bedspace. The problem is there’s no HDU bed available and the HDU nurses need to discharge the HDU patient to the ward and . . . there’s no ward bed, we been knew.
Now imagine anybody trying to get a coffee or lunch break amongst all this chaos and you can see why nurses are constantly getting UTIs and the Reg I linked to above got a kidney stone.
Meanwhile, Patient B is still sat on the admission unit waiting for his surgery and borderline harassing the poor nurse about what is taking so long. Now, this nurse either doesn’t know all the complexities that need to occur for the stars to align for Patient B to go down to theatres because they’re just not privy to all the bed management conversations going on, or they do know but literally do not have the capacity to explain all of this in a way to make the patient understand. I have apologised and tried to explain this type of thing until I am blue in the face but am then accused of “making excuses for our own incompetence” – I don’t bother any more and just tell them “sorry, no bed for you yet, trying our best”.
Now it is important to note that all of this is happening in a very highly regarded hospital that is a centre of excellence. Part of that “excellence” in my opinion relies on people like me and my colleagues being forced to give it their all every single day to facilitate all of these transfers which undoubtedly comes at the cost of safe care. My feet barely touch the ground for how many jobs I am doing and I am still falling short of being able to adhere to “best practice” guidelines. The whole system is. There is a PROFOUND nationwide capacity issue. This is happening in every single hospital up and down the country to varying degrees. This is what happens when you starve a healthcare system of its resources for 12 years.
I’m going to use the analogy of a factory assembly line for a minute. Imagine that half the staff on the assembly line are absent but the product they’re trying to assemble keeps coming in at the same rate as normal. The staff literally cannot keep up with the demand and half the products must be discarded at the end of the day because they are incomplete or not up to spec, this is through no fault of the staff that WERE present and just trying to do their jobs. Now imagine that the ‘absent staff’ in this situation is the lack of beds and the discarded products are the patients who get cancelled as a result of the lack of beds. (This can also be applied to GP appointments FYI)
Now imagine again that you are Patient B and the stars have aligned and you get the surgery after all. (Although you’re still pissed off you had to wait so long and you tell everybody who will listen about how bad your experience was and complain to PALS etc – tying up a poor ward manageyour consultant up in writing a response, wasting their time that could be spent with patients in the process) When you eventually come out of the surgery you go to theatres recovery because the bed is free. You feel like hell while a nurse dances about you taking your blood pressure and other observations every fifteen minutes for what feels like forever. They keep waking you up but the anaesthetic is in full effect and you just want to sleep for a month. You get irritated being woken up all the time and just want to move on already so you can get away from this annoying nurse. You eventually get transferred to OIPACU/ICU where you stay for the first day or two while you stabilise enough to step down to Level 2 care on HDU. You’re being woken up all night by various alarms going off, including your own, and are then woken up extremely early and are forced to sit out of bed before you feel ready. You have drains that are paining you but you’re still being asked to mobilise by the nursing staff. You don’t understand it and you just want to rest all the time to recover from your surgery. What you might not realise is how important it is to get out of bed to ensure that you don’t decondition post-surgery and to prevent things like constipation and pneumonia which can be complications of prolonged bedrest post-op and extend your recovery period, keeping you in hospital for longer.
You want your belongings that you brought in because you feel bored and understimulated and getting anxious about their whereabouts so you keep asking for somebody to get them but you’re told no because you’re in an intensive unit and there’s no space to put anything. You’re promised that you can get them “once you go to HDU”. Of course, the moment you get into HDU you then start pestering the HDU nurses to go get the bags because this is what you were promised, even though they have about a million and one jobs to do for you as their new admission as well as her other patient and so collecting belongings from off the ward isn’t something that she can even think about right now. You get irritated because they’re spending most of their time on the computer and don’t understand why she can’t just pop upstairs. You don’t realise the sheer volume of things she is legally required to document about her assessment of you and how time-consuming this is, even for experienced nurses. This has to be done as close as possible to the time of the assessment as possible to prevent legal trouble for the nurse. If she documents in retrospect she could be accused of falsification of records if something were to go wrong.
Whilst in HDU there are still a tonne of monitors alarming all the time and a constant flurry of activity. You’re starting to get overstimulated by the constant light and noise and the time that has elapsed since your surgery is growing and you are starting to wake up from your post-anaesthetic cloud. Pain might be kicking in and becoming more and more of a problem for you yet you are still pushed to mobilise when you just want to rest. After a day or two, you are told that you can step down to the ward today by the surgeon and you feel a surge of relief. Thank god! Now you can get out of this hellhole with all of the alarms and confused delirious patients shouting out at the nursing staff and actually get some sleep to recover. If you don't make it to the ward that day after all you might get angry at the nursing staff for not facilitating the surgeon's wishes and if you are nasty enough you might even berate them the entire fucking night and make them cry from how unpleasant you are when the only reason you didn't go was that there were no ward beds for you to move to.
If there ARE ward beds available then the most manic process starts. As the surgeons come to see you at 09:15 the HDU nurse in charge is in a bed meeting and comes back to immediately start putting pressure on the HDU nurse to get you out before 11:00 for the new admission from OIPACU/ICU to come in to your bed. This is so that the patient that is currently in theatres recovery can be transferred into OIPACU/ICU and a patient waiting on the surgical admissions unit can now go down to theatres for their operation etc.
Problem is the HDU nurse now needs to not only complete some discharge paperwork that documents all of your invasive devices/lines etc but also the plan and her assessment of the following:
Your Airway - were you a difficult intubation during your surgery and what is your airway plan in the event of an emergency?
Breathing – breath sounds on auscultation, respiratory rate, oxygen saturations, whether your lungs are expanding equally, if your gas exchange on your last arterial blood gas was sufficient, if you have a cough with any sputum and if this was sent to the lab to target your antibiotic therapy
Circulation – your temperature, your heart rate and rhythm, blood pressure and whatever target your doctors may have for this, your capillary refill time, the temperature of your skin, whether you require any intravenous fluids, your last ECG and what it showed, your blood count results and clotting etc and any action that needs to be taken to correct these
Disability – your Glasgow coma scale, any confusion they have noted and what kind of funny things you may have said, any erratic behaviour, whether your pupils are equal and reactive, if you are able to move all of your limbs equally and with equal power, what your blood glucose is and any actions to correct all of the above,
Exposure- Pressure areas and skin condition, your mobility level and support required, how much you have eaten, drank, if you’ve taken a shit or had a piss and if you are continent/independent in doing this, what is the plan if you haven't been able to poo yet? We also need to document any wounds that you may have. We are expected to document every scab, every mark, every mottling lest we are blamed for failing as a nurse and allowing skin damage to occur on our watch and causing patient harm. We are even expected to even document any individual bruises you may have, even if these are just from phlebotomy because if we don’t there could even be an accusation made about us – a friend of mine was accused of assault by a former patient (who had actually punched my friend) and had submitted photos of bruising on her arm to the police which were actually caused by a blood pressure cuff. These were used against my friends as evidence in a criminal investigation. Due to patient confidentiality, my friend COULD NOT ADEQUATELY DEFEND HERSELF FROM CRIMINAL CHARGES because she wasn’t allowed to tell the police that the patient had mental health problems that she hadn’t been declared to them. My friend was eventually cleared of the charges but now no longer works as a nurse due to her unmanageable anxiety surrounding the situation. Had my friend had the time and forethought to document “minor bruising noted to bicep from blood pressure cough” maybe it could have been avoided. As it was she didn't have the time nor the presence of mind due to the stress of the job to document such minute details, she did moving forward though.
The HDU nurse also has to do all of the above on the computer before printing it but then ALSO has to start writing paper charts because the wards use not only a different (poor) computer system but also a mix of computerised and paper notes. They have to ensure that the doctors have prescribed certain things (like variable rate insulin infusions, for example) by hand and that she puts in the observations and actions that have been taken since midnight that day. They also need to do a paper fluid balance chart, again from midnight, and total intake and output from all sources and manually calculate your 'net body balance' from midnight. The nurse can’t use the total that was calculated by the electronic notes system because the electronic notes system does it from 06:00 to 06:00 so the balance would be ‘wrong’ for the ward nurses who do it from 00:00-00:00. To top all of this off they not only has to enter all of this onto any observation chart, but she also has to summarise it in long form in her notes. Because that is super efficient for already overburdened staff of course.
Meanwhile, they might well have to put a new peripheral cannula in place if you’re having your central line taken out (likely) which can take some time if you have difficult veins and also needs to do the usual 1-2 hourly observations of both yourself and her other patient at 10:00, including heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, oxygen saturations, PCA obs, urine/drain output. They're also still responsible for facilitating all the care and requests for her other patient even though they're being told to prioritise the discharge.
Suddenly it’s somehow 10:30 and they still need to remove your cathetecentral line/arterial line/temporary pacing wires/chest drains/whatever that were kept in until today to be reviewed. This is because the ward won’t accept patients with such devices due to nursing skill mix and inadequate supervision of such devices due to the higher patient ratio. Now, this removal process is often something that requires you to be still/lying flat for > 30 minutes so the nurse need to get you back to bed …… only you suddenly need to take a shit and won’t use the commode due to lack of dignity at the bedside. Because you still need to be on a cardiac monitor or supplementary oxygen the nurse can’t just walk you out to the bathroom and leave you! They have to walk you down there and hover outside the bathroom, not getting on with his/her documentation, so they can listen out for any alarm on your monitor indicating a low/high heart/respiratory rate/oxygen saturation that could indicate an emergency. Every nurse has a story about how they/someone they knew had a patient that arrested in the toilet. This happened to Heather at my old job and Anna at my new job.
Eventually, you get back to bed and your belongings/supplies are unceremoniously dumped on your bed around you and you are carted out. It’s a while until you see any members of staff on the ward and it’s a bit intimidating to go from having a nurse at your bedside almost all the time to having to use a call buzzer (which may not even work!) to get some attention. What you don’t see is that the nurse about to take over your care is still stuck doing the morning observation round or finishing off 08:00 meds because not all of them had been delivered by pharmacy on time and she had to chase them. She also has like 7 other patients, sometimes more, to divide her attention between. You also don’t see the stressed-as-shit HDU nurse pressuring the equally stressed-as-shit ward nurse into coming over to take handover because the HDU nurse is about to get a new admission from OIPACU etc and they need to rush back to clean the HDU bedspace or finish off the discharge paperwork that they hadn’t even had time to finish. They must also then spend forever trying to get it to print because we’re using fucking computers from the 90s which take an age to load and then randomly disconnect from the printer without reason (and then IT are usually patronising and unhelpful on the phone).
Meanwhile, there is one poor junior doctor who is getting paid absolute peanuts for their skills to cover the entire HDU. They have the consulant to call for advice and who does a quick round with them in the morning but they're single handedly responsible for getting all the jobs done and everything is urgent. They have to write the medical discharge summary for you and the 7 other patients being discharged to the ward today and also re-prescribe all these medication regimes onto the different system that the ward uses, including any changes suggested by the surgeons from that very morning, before the transfer at 11:00 as well as doing all of the “doctor jobs” like referrals, imaging requests etc and just….you know… general medical reviews/putting hands on the patients for their assessments. Not only do they have to do all of the above but they also have to stop what they’re doing at any given moment and shift their focus to nurses, pharmacists etc who have come to ask them for some advice and to report any issues.
The same thing happens on wards too. People often take to social media to fume about having to "wait all day for a letter and a few tablets" because they just wanted to go home already. While I understand the frustration, what these people fail to understand is that when you have ONE doctor doing the work that could only be safely managed by FIVE doctors less urgent tasks like this get pushed down and down a never-ending jobs list. It might seem counterintuitive to have to wait so long for something small but they have to see the sick patients first and can't even think about discharge letters and take away prescriptions until they’re sure the sick patient has an appropriate plan in place.
Let’s say we have one or two doctors to a 40 patient surgical ward. 30 of the patients are staying in the hospital for at least another day with jobs that need to be done that day to adjust their care or to help make a diagnosi to come up with a plan. Then you have ten patients that are well enough to be discharged home. The 10 patients simply are just going to have to wait while the one-two overloaded doctors attempt to finish all the jobs for the sicky patients first. If we were to put a sufficient level of staffing like 5 doctors to 40 patients then they suddenly go from 20-40 patients each to 8 patients each and are able to divide up the discharge summaries and take away medication prescriptions so that they are doing 2 each. Badda bing badda bom, medically fit patient gets discharged home quicker and we can use the bed for the delayed transfer patient in A+E. But we need more doctors and safer staffing levels to do that so it ain’t gonna happen.
You see the same thing in A+E complaints. “Waited seven hours for a five minute interaction with the doctor who sent me for an Xray, told me it wasn't broken, got given paracetamol and a crutch and told to fuck off home” – it’s because that the five minute review was all you needed that you had to wait 7 hours!!
From a HDU nursing perspective, a lot of the transfedischarge to the ward jobs are two man jobs. Unfortunately, because there are so many nurses are leaving critical care after covid there is very often a lot of novice nurses that are recruited to fill the gaps with barely any time invested in them to get them up to speed. I am currently working on a unit with 17 band 5 nurses. I have been here for 8 months and I am already the 5th most experienced band 5. Four relatively experienced band 5s have left in the time that I’ve been here and another one is working out his notice. This is how bad the skill mix can be sometimes. A lot of skills are unfortunately not taught to you as a student nurse and you need post-graduate training and competencies being signed off after x number of observed attempts in order to be allowed to do them at your workplace. This leads to situations where you could have say 6 nurses working on one shift but only 2 of the 6 are ‘competent’ in a necessary skill. Now sometimes nurse A needs help form nurse B to do a discharge dependent skill but nurse B is also the only “transfer trained” nurse working that shift (ie. she has passed another form of higher competency training and is able to escort unwell patients to other areas of the hospital where the other nurses are not yet able to do so) and has to go with an unstable patient to CT or MRI/interventional radiology department for a procedure/back to theatre for a revision of their surgery etc. That leaves nurse A up shits creek but with bed management still breathing down their neck because the patient needs to be transferred NOW. There is literally nothing that nurse A can do about the situation and yet s/he needs to be resilient and soak up all of the bad vibes and literally be blamed for something outside of their control because it disrupts patient flow.
That is all hospitals are about anymore. Patient flow. As many discharges from the ward as possible – even if the patient isn’t actually ready to go home yet – so that we can move patients down the stream and get as many patients out of A+E or admissions units as possible… yet somehow, despite all our efforts, it is still never enough.
Meanwhile, any relatives that come to the ward for visiting are getting increasingly anxious or aggravated that they have not been given a timely update. They start to to feel neglected and some take an oppositional/accusatory communication style with the nursing/medical staff. Staff are then forced to take a bunch of time they don’t have in order to reassure the relative/patient of any concerns that they may have and attempt to foster a better relationship.
Any abusive language or confrontational behaviour also needs to be documented by medics/nurses in detail and a time-consuming incident form should also be completed to have a contemporaneous note of the event and to make management aware of the incident. We have to do this so no inaccurate complaints can be made about us that can send us to the NMC for judgement.
Amongst all of this, nurses are constantly accused of not CARING anymore. Of being “too posh to wash” and lacking the basic skills requisite to call themselves a nurse. Many vilify nurses in opposition to the angel health care assistant who “does all the dirty work for the lazy nurses who are just on the computer the whole time”. I can literally count on one hand the number of shifts that I have managed in the last 8 years (5 as an RN and 3 as a student) to avoid wiping an arse or doing another ‘dirty job’ (unlike many of the HCAs I have worked with in that time who manage to hide themselves to avoid doing anything and choose which of the jobs I have attempted to delegate to them they will get on with). Junior band 5s usually do way more work than the HCAs because a lot of them abuse their inexperience. Of course, this is not universal, of course, there are some incredible HCAs out there, my colleague Linda is a superstar. I have just unfortunately seen this type of behavior way too often.
Sometimes I feel like if I hear about my patient’s wife who was a nurse back in the 60s when they ‘actually cared about their patients’ or ‘had proper standards’ or ‘did hospital corners' one more time I might just fucking scream. As if the role hasn’t changed a thousand times over since then and that band 5 nurses in units like mine are expected to be able to titrate fucking inotropes independently while the wife he’s talking about was working at the equivalent of a fucking HCA back when the NHS was much more forgiving to nursing staff. As if I am capable of interpreting arterial blood gases and am going to go for my dialysis training soon but I can’t fucking fold a hospital sheet in a certain way. I always want to tell them I'm perfectly capable of doing hospital corners I just have a million other things more worthy to do in those two extra minutes it would take me. You can’t even do hospital corners on a pressure-relieving mattress they’re just too thick and the sheets aren’t big enough.
Back in the day his wife would be giving tablets, doing washes, and serving food to patients that could mobilise independently and that were about 20 years younger than the average hospital patient now. The doctors would manage all invasive devices and give all the IVs etc. A far cry from the expectations of your average nurse now. Most of our hospital patients now would have died back in the so-called golden age of nursing. The surgery or procedure of the patient saying all of this might not have even existed back then!
Unfortunately, nurses are fighting an uphill battle against the many developments in healthcare vs staffing capacity never increasing. There are now so many increasingly complex expectations placed on nursing staff but there has been absolutely no increase in staffing numbers to facilitate this. We are truly always being asked to do more with less and many live in fear of the impossible standards of the Nursing and Midwifery Council who strike nurses off for relatively minor indiscretions. We are held to a truly impossible standard with little consideration made by the NMC for the appalling working conditions we must endure, especially when compared to the General Medical Council. Doctors that make a mistake seem to be held to account of what their peers in that stage of their training would do, with consideration taken for things short staffing and other adverse events that had an impact on the individual’s decision making*. The NMC is much more likely to ignore all of these factors and hold nurses to a neigh-unattainable standard of perfection. If you do not follow best practice guidelines to the fucking letter you can be dismissed. For example a pediatric nurse documenting a set of “15 minute observations” 17 minutes after the previous set on a poorly child, ignoring the fact that said nurse was likely doing other things like mixing/giving medications, applying oxygen and encouraging the distressed child to keep it on, generally reassuring the patient and parents etc.
*Although they are clearly institutionally racist and come down much harder on BAME doctors than their white counterparts, but that is a conversation for another day.
To top it all off if we fuck up enough and make a grand enough mistake that contributes to a patient’s death, not only do we have to live with that guilt for the rest of our lives but we could also go to PRISON. The general public do not realise this. As a nurse, you can do everything within your ability in good faith and try your absolute hardest for your patients (and sacrifice your own health in the process for years or even decades) but mess up enough on one shift and you will be ruminating about it from behind bars. JUST GOING INTO WORK is taking this risk and said work pays a measly £27-32K (post 2022 pay rise salary for a band 5).
In general it’s pretty shit to be a nurse these days. We are shat on by the government, the media, our seniors, our regulating body and our patients. The breaks we miss are not paid. Nor are the hours we stay late. The latest that I have stayed after a day shift that started at 07:30 was until 23:45. I routinely stay half an hour after the end of my shift because I literally cannot complete my handover any quicker due to the complexity of information required. This time is never paid back in any way and I am seen as troublesome and demanding by my seniors for asking about it. The other day I did an extra shift on a ward because I needed the extra money. On this shift I felt so overwhelmed by trying to meet all of my patient's needs that I dissolved into tears multiple times. I was so terrified of making a medication error. I didn’t have the chance to sit down to start writing my notes until the very end of the day. My shift ended at 20:00 and I went home at 21:30 AND I WAS THE FIRST NURSE FROM THE DAY SHIFT TO DO SO. God knows what time the other nurses went home. As stressful as everything I’ve described in this thread is I actually do enjoy this job more than any of the other five I’ve had since starting as a nurse THAT IS HOW BAD MOST PLACES ARE.
Now I appreciate that there are plenty of terribly nasty nurses our there who don't appear to give a damn about their patients or doing their job well. I just complained about one and am routinely frustrated by then myself. I have been bullied to the point of suicidal ideation by one in the past. Having said this, I do implore that those of you who have read this far to try to exercise some empathy. The vast majority of these types of nurses came into the profession ready to do good and burned themselves out working in a broken system that never rewarded their hard work and actually punished them for things outside of their control. They have no more to give than the bare minimum. That is all they are capable of. I was so cripplingly depressed in the final days of my last job that by the end of the day it was taking me every ounce of energy had in me to just to hold my upper body up while I sat down writing my notes.
Please also bear in mind that the vast majority of nurses are still female and thus may be working an incredibly physically taxing job through horrendous period pain or while struggling with menopause. It is a quiet day for me if I only manage 12,000 steps (Most days in my current place are 15,000-20,000.) My personal record for one shift was 27,321 steps in a previous job) We may also be working without having eaten or drank in many hours and are just as parched and hangry as our fasting patients quite frankly but are expected to be emotional sponges and absorb all of their mean spirited behaviour. This does not entirely absolve people of personal responsibility for their behaviour, but it does make it more difficult to manage oneself when coupled with a million competing demands on our attention and a stressful environment.
I’m 29 now and my back hurts all the time. I have varicose veins. I have eye bags for days. I’m fat as shit and none of my clothes fit me because I don’t have the energy anymoreany more, something I once enjoyed, and live off processed shit. and my flat is a perpetual mess because I spend my days off watching Netflix in bed. I have lost touch with non-work friends. I never call my mum enough. I have missed the last four Christmases which really upsets her. I’m struggling to cut down on alcohol to a healthy level after developing the maladaptive coping mechanism of downing a bottle of wine after work to get to sleep. I’m pretty much a shell of the person I was once was and I think my story is pretty typical of other nurses that qualified around the same time as me.
It’s not all bad and I don’t always hate my job. Sometimes I’m moved to tears by the connection I have forged with a patient and the difference that I am able to make in some of the darkest moments of their life. I’m not always “saving lives”, I’m mostly just stopping people from getting sicker than they already are, but I have saved a couple along the way from being on the ball enough. I have also helped people die with dignity which I’m very proud of. I’ve done a lot to be proud of within the last five years and I’m grateful for the growth that I have experienced. I have acquired a lot of skills and knowledge along the way and my conscience mostly rests easy because I know I’m doing my best. I’m also grateful to have steady employment in times like these. It can just be so damn hard to remember all of this when 98% of any given day is unmanageable stress and about 2% is a rewarding moment of some kind.
I’m not sure why I wrote this all out. I suppose that I do find it cathartic just to put everything down like this even if nobody reads it….but I do want people to read this one. At least the top bit. I want people to try to get what we're up against.
I want people to know that we are tired. We are at the absolute limit of our resilience. We have been for YEARS. I have been since before I even qualified. This should not be allowed to continue.
If you made it this far and are still unconvinced about strike action being necessary for the future of this country’s healthcare delivery, then I don’t even know what to tell you. The NHS has already collapsed. It collapsed years ago. Death figures won’t suddenly explode or whatever, but we will slowly sink into yet higher and higher preventable levels of morbidity and mortality while access to healthcare gets harder and harder. The few days of electives being cancelled will not kill more people than the system already has.
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.
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P.S. ALL OF THE ABOVE DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO COVER THE IMPACT THAT COVID HAS HAD ON OUR WORKFORCE. MY GOD. I don’t even have it in me to talk about how bad that was. I truly don’t. This post is literally about December 2022 only. Imagine all of the above times a hundred for a glimpse of the pressure that we were under during covid. Only instead of elective surgeries, it was covid admission followed by more covid admissions etc. The WORST. I had four patients die on one shift. I had to wash and wrap four patients in their shrouds and then clean the bedspace for the next admission. Absolutely brutal man.